Fear

Anthony has had health problems lately with his lymph nodes and throat. He had strep and then it would just flare up randomly and he was on 4 different antibiotics in the last 7 weeks or so. Early Monday morning around 2am on September 12th he woke up and was spiking 106 fever and had chills so bad he was shaking. He woke up that morning and said he was going to run to the doctor.

I went to work and got a call around 11am from him saying "don't panic but I am at the ER at Baylor because they think I have meningitis".

Of course I freaked out and left my office to go up there. His fever was up and down and all over the place. They took 4 giant bottles of blood that looked like mini wine bottles plus 3 regular vials. They were hesitant to do a spinal tap because of the risks. However after an X-Ray and blood tests his white cell count was still spiked and they couldn't isolate why so they went ahead and did the spinal tap. That was intense to watch. It was just like my epidural but instead of giving me relief from the pain they removed 4 vials of spinal fluid from him for testing.

A few hours later they came back and said that it wasn't meningitis but they didn't know what it was so they recommended admitting him into the hospital. He was hesitant but I told him he needs to figure out what is going on.

They sent him in and did 6 MRI's that night. He was in the tube for over 2 hours which I can't even imagine. Tuesday morning they came really early and took him for 2 CT scans and then by 10am they had the heart sonogram guy in his room taking images of his heart. He also had another chest X-Ray. They were also taking blood from two different sites every 3 hours besides his IV. He is also still running low grade to very high fevers from 94.9-106.

The infectious disease doctor was on the case and sat with him for a long time discussing everywhere he's been in the last ten years. He told him of his 5 different bouts with pneumonia and his skin rashes. At this point the doctor thinks it's River Valley Fever related to a fungus spore you pick up in the desert from him growing up in El Paso. It can sit dormant for years and will flare up. He ordered a bronchioscopy on Wednesday and they put him under and put a camera and tube down his nose to his lungs to scrape out some of the mass to test.

The bacteria cultures they had been doing all week came back negative but they could tell there was something going on still. He didn't feel like they got enough of a sample from the lung because they couldn't get down to the mass far enough. The results take 6 weeks to come back so now we wait.

He finally was released on Saturday after two days of IV antibiotics. He was getting very antsy to get home to Eve and I. He's weak from laying in bed for so long and being on so many medications.

Bottom line is he has a very rare pneumonia (which just means a patch in your lung) in his right ventricle. We won't know what it is for possibly 6 weeks. If they don't get what they need they will have to open his chest and go in to remove it surgically. We go back in two weeks for more CT scans.

I am scared. He's 31 years old. I have always had this giant fear of losing him. His dad died at 41 to malignant melanoma. We have always been super diligent with the dermatologist and his skin but never thought about this. We will deal with it but I hope they figure it out soon. He's my whole world and I can't imagine him being severly ill.

Thoughts

I have so many thoughts each day that I think I should come write about and then I lose the time or the path to put them down into a cohesive sentence.

Eve has her first pretty bad diaper rash. We are treating it with creams and potions and I hope it clears up soon. We had our first Easter and it was wonderful. Everyone came to our house and we ate and Eve entertained everyone with giggles, smiles and cooing in her bunny outfit. She has developed such an amazing personality. She smiles and laughs and has the best disposition you could ask for as a parent.

We finally left her for longer than two hours to go to Arlington and celebrate Amy and Kelli's birthday. We had such a good time just being with friends. We love family time so much but I think I realize now that sometimes we need adult time too.

Tomorrow Anthony is taking me out to dinner at Papa Bros Steakhouse. Then he has some "surprises" for me as an early Anniversary gift and Mother's Day pre-game. Our anniversary is in June but he got too excited about his suprise to wait, plus we will be in Orlando with the girls so he wanted a romantic date night with just the two of us.

Saturday we are going to see G.G. and Papa and Granny in Arlington since they are in town. That night we have friends coming over to see the monkey and hang out. I am so looking forward to it!

Sunday is Anthony's company picnic. We take Ana every year and she and I compete on who can eat the most roasted corn. She always gives me a run for my money!

What an amazing weekend we have in store and it's just one of many that I share with my family. I love where my life is going right now.

Sweet Peas for My Sweet Pea

We started Eve on solids yesterday. When I say started I guess I should say that we gave her the first bites of Sweet Peas with a spoon. It was beyond adorable. I put it against her tongue and she got the funniest face and spit it out. Then I gave her more and the more she got used to it, the more she wanted it. It was so cute. I think she may have eaten a tablespoon total, but she's learning. She loved the spoon because she is teething so she wanted to chew on it. She's sleeping really well and is still in the pack n play in our room. I kind of can't imagine putting her upstairs but I know it's coming. The goal is 6 months so on April 8th. I love to wake up and hear her cooing or breathing. She's a very vocal sleeper and always has been. We just cuddled in bed and tried to feel better this weekend. Anthony spent last week in Calgary for work and Eve had bronchiolitus and a double ear infection. It was a challenging week for both of us. I got her sickness as well and felt horrible, but no sick time for mommy. She is trying to sit up now and grabs her feet and then slowly falls into me. She still sleeps on my chest at least once a day. It's my favorite part of the day because she won't be able to do that for long. That and rocking her to sleep at night are my favorite parts of the day with her. Her little personality is just shining. She hides her face when you look at her like she's shy. She loves her seahorse that lights up and sings still. Anthony has named him Stewart so we will go with that. Watching her learn and grow each day is a miracle and I am so blessed to have an amazing daughter. I am thankful every single day for her.

21 Weeks - 4th Month

Eve is 4.5 months old. She's growing so quickly. The last few nights when I have gotten home she has fallen asleep within an hour and a half of me being there. I get sad that I only have that long with my baby girl in the evening. I do make the best of it though. I don't put her down. I rock her, I feed her, I bathe her and play with her and just listen to her talk to me. She is talking A LOT and blowing raspberries.

In the morning after I feed her I put her down in her crib and she just talks and sings to me the whole time I get ready. I have never heard a sweeter song in my life than her singing to me.

We put her in her exersaucer for the first time yesterday and she loved it. She loves the little iguana that lights up and sings. She really likes lights and singing. Anything repetitive she gets really excited and bops up and down and squeals in delight. The dogs don't really love the screeching haha.

We spent last weekend at my mom and dad's. We had a great time. My dad held her up and talked to her and made raspberry noises on her ribs and she just started belly laughing. She loved it. We got a great video of it and it was so precious that she did that for my dad. She loves her papa as much as I do. She loves grabbing his beard and Anthony's. She falls asleep with her little hands wrapped in my hair. It hurts but it's so sweet. I can no longer wear necklaces or earrings because she pulls at them!

We had her 4 month appointment and since she had been sick she had lost a little weight and was coming in at 12lbs 12oz. (35%) and measured 24.5 inches (60%) Her head circumference was (70%). We laughed and said she has a big brain and must be a genius :)

She loves to stand up on my legs and stare at me. She's also been doing this thing where she smiles at you and when you smile back she hides her face like she's being coy. She's just so sweet.

This time is so precious and it's going so fast. I want to enjoy every single moment of it.

More Firsts

I am so late in posting this. Eve rolled over for the first time unassisted on Saturday, January 15th. She was on the bed between my mom and I and she just rolled over. She was almost over and my mom said "she's going to roll over". She just had the one shoulder to go and she did it. Once she got on her tummy she pushed herself up and just grinned from ear to ear like she was so proud of herself. I was sure proud of her. Unfortunately Anthony missed it because he was in El Paso for the memorial of his grandmother.

Saturday, January 22nd she laughed for the first time. We were just hanging out at home and I was rocking her. I took her hands and started kissing them really fast and saying mwuah and she just giggled out loud and kept doing it while I did that. Anthony rushed to get the camera and of course we missed it! Later we were all watching Glee together and I had her propped up on my knees with her feet against my belly. They did a number by Queen to "Another One Bites the Dust" so I started moving my legs a little side to side and held her hands out and we sort of danced and she just LAUGHED so hard. We got it on video that time. It was adorable.

We also are having her first cold. This one is not a first that is fun at all. My poor baby girl is so stopped up rigth now. I shoot saline up her nose and then bulb it but nothing seems to help. She's miserable. The doctor said there's really nothing they can do for her since she's so little. The good news is it's not in her ears or her chest yet. There are numerous cases of RSV going around so I hope she doens't get that. I hate seeing her in pain. It's the most helpless feeling a new mommy can have.

We have our routine down now and it's all going well. I wish I had more time in a day but we are making it work! She is starting to really love her toys too. She got a seahorse that sings and his tummy lights up and she just stares at it. She loves it and how it lights up. I wish her mobile fit over her pack n play. The one that came with it we can't use because of the changing table. She loves her rattles and grips those really good too. She stands up on our laps and her back and neck are very strong! She's doing great with all of her milestones. She's getting so big. She weighs 13 lbs 1oz as of January 25th at the doctor. We have her 4 month appointment on the 8th and I am not looking forward to it. She has to get shots and I hate that!

Rolling Over

We had another milestone this past weekend. Eve was laying on a quilt between my mom and I in bed on Saturday afternoon. She started rolling onto her side. My mom said "I think she is oging to roll over!" and I didn't really believe her. We were watching and sure enough she got almost all the way over just needing one shoulder and she finally did it. She ended up on her tummy and pushed herself up and kind of looked up at me. Then she gave me the biggest smile I have ever seen! It was the cutest thing ever. My dad walked in and saw it too.

We were sad that Anthony missed it but he was in El Paso. I Know she will do it again for him when he gets home.

We also changed sizes again. She's now in 3-6 months clothes. Some of them are still a little big but the others are too small. There were outfits in the 0-3 range she didn't even get to wear! So crazy. Mom and I went shopping and got some great deals at Carter's so that was fun. I loved having my parents over all weekend. I am so happy they are getting to spend so much time with Eve when she is in the very baby stage. They love being involved as well so it's really nice.

I can't wait to spend some time with Anthony tonight. I feel like it's been ages since I have seen him. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful family. I feel very blessed.

3 1/2 Months Old

I still cannot believe that my baby girl is 3 1/2 months old already! Last night Anthony cleaned off our camcorder videos so he could take the camera to El Paso with him and we found all the videos of Eve coming home. She was so so so tiny. I cried watching them a little. I am happy to watch her grow and learn and I wouldn't trade this time at all but looking back at how tiny she seemed just a few months ago was amazing.

Motherhood is such an internal battle of emotions sometimes! I am so excited to see her grow but I want her to stay little too. This week she did a few things for the first time. I rushed into the house running for the bathroom after my hour and a half commute. I ran past her and said "Hey Monkey I love you " and kissed her little cheek. Anthony said she immediately poked out that bottom lip and looked after me and just started crying! Oh no I thought! I hurried out to her and she put her little head in the crook of my neck and I just held her for a minute then when I looked at her she just gave me the biggest grin I have ever seen. It was one of those moments that I just wanted to melt. Most days when Anthony gets home with her they have fun for a while and she will get a little fussy and I seem to be the only one that can soothe her. That makes me feel good in a way, but scares me in another way.

She started sucking her thumb yesterday for the first time also. She was just putting her whole fist in her mouth sometimes and now she's figured out how to just put the thumb in. She doesn't do it very often but she did just start. Her sleep schedule is still really good so far. It's taking a little longer to get her down at night but once she's down, that's it. She can self soothe to go back to sleep. I hope she stays that way!

Anthony has been working hard on finishing in mural in her nursery. It's so detailed and with Christmas, her coming home, his work and some other family things it's taken longer than we thought. It should be done very soon and then we will put her in the crib in her own room instead of the pack n play. It makes me nervous to have her so far away, but it will be good for all three of us in the long run. Right now she sleeps in the pack n play in our bedroom so she's so close I can hear every little coo and noise. It's nice but it also keeps me awake in a way.

My mom and dad are coming in tonight and staying with me until Tuesday so that will be a lot of fun. Anthony is traveling to El Paso to the memorial of his paternal grandmother, Joan Quarm. She passed away on December 28th. She was one of the most amazing women I ever met. I am so lucky to have known her. She was very special to both of us and we are so sad that she never got to meet Eve. Joan lived through the Blitz in England, where she is from. She then lived in Portugal, Peru, South Africa and finally settled in El Paso. She had 1 daughter and 4 sons. She was a professor of English at UTEP, produced a radio program, wrote for the El Paso Times and ran the Gilbert and Sullivan theatre program until only two years ago. She was 91 years old and will be greatly missed.

I wish I could attend her service and let Eve meet some of the other relatives but we decided that being in a car for 12 hours each way and having to rush around all over town while we are there and me missing work after just returning was just too much. It's hard enough to go to the store with an infant, much less drive across the state with one. I wish I could be there to support Anthony, but sometimes I have to realize I can't do it all.